I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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