just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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