have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
