I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
