its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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