Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
