420 ftw
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
