you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Jerry, you need to find god
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
