You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
