I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
