Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
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