I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
