you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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