guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
