The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
