I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
