Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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