Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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