I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
