Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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