you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
