I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
