I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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