i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
