If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
