I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
