R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
