okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
