I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
