I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need to calm my uterus...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
