New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
