hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
