Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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