he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
