They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
