i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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