New invention idea: vibrating tampons
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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