I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
