Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
