I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
