I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
