The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
