I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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