im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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