my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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