i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
