I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
