Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
