That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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