It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
