My liver just broke up with me...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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